sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
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It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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