dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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