someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
