Redeem this text for a blowjob
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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