I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
