I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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