Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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