If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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