I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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