meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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