if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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