remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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