He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
