i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
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Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
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I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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