I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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