You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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