when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
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