if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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