I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
