I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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