My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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