Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
