You're so nebulous sometimes
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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