if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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