NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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