just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
