Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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