I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
