I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
is that a dick in a sweater?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
