The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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