the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
it was like eating out sand paper
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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