my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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