Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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