he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
