Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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