highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
