Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
whose parrot is this?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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