Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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