Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
