I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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