my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
