I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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