so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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