I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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