who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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