I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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