If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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