they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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