that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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