I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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