i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Can you bring me the toilet please
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
