i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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