y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
