there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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