my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
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Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
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You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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